I Don't Want to Need God

These days, life seems to go so fast, I can't keep up. So much swirling around in my head- I can never seem to get it all straight. Naturally, when you go into mental survival mode, the first thing to go is usually your spiritual life. It's SO. EASY. Use those minutes to get extra sleep instead of getting up and being refreshed by the Word. Use that time to study instead of go to RUF. It seems logical- but in fact, it's lethal. 

I want to need God.

It's all too easy to forget about how much God works in my life on a daily basis. It's all around me, and too often I am too busy with homework (among other things) to stop and look at how gracious and kind and loving and integral God is in my life. 

But I want to need God. 

That desire is real. Every Sunday or Tuesday at RUF, I'm reminded of what God does in His child's life, in my life. And I feel this desire to need God's help, because it seems like that would reassure me that I belong to Him.

But I don't want to need God.

I just plain and simple NEED. GOD. 

It doesn't matter whether or not I want to need Him; the fact is that every person needs God, for physical as well as spiritual life.

Recognizing that simple fact gives both perspective and reassurance. Wanting to need God is inherently self-focused. Needing God is an explicit, in-your-face admission that you can't do it all, that you aren't a superhero (yellow underwear and all) and you rely wholly and completely on God's providence to see you through today. 

Seems like this cycle happens all too often. Maybe God has something in store in the near future to teach me a big lesson. Maybe it's just my selfishness and laissez faire attitude towards the Holy Spirit that keeps me from loving  Him. But every now and then, I find myself saying this prayer: "God, I need you. Help me to see your blessings in my life. Help me to see trials as a catalyst for sanctification and not discouragement. God, I need you. Help me to see that."